Friday, September 28, 2012

September

Every year, it’s like a clock. Sept 21st comes and my mind shifts. I find myself yearning for things that I can’t articulate, can’t touch…. I want to listen to different music that puts me in the right state of mind to match the new feeling. I feel as if I’m moving about in a dream, or watching someone else through a thick glass window pane. I cry more. Things that make me happy, that touch me, things that I miss (especially those who have left us), the things that I most want for myself and my family. I worry more. I worry about not achieving the goals I have set for myself. Am I being the person I want to be? Worry about my kids… what if something bad ever happens? Worry about my mom…. how am I supposed to take care of her? Worry about my finances…. how will I ever get out of stupid debt! I become more tired and quiet if not a bit restless. I suspect that it’s seasonal affective disorder, but isn’t that a bit early?? School routines pass day by day with certain monotony, yet it’s also nice to have a set routine. But it also feels kind of empty and uniform, blasé and mediocre. This is a typical pattern. I can’t rest well. I walk around my house feeling that it’s too dark in there. I wish we had bigger windows, I wish it was cozier. I don’t really know how to sit and relax in my own living room. I feel there isn’t a place in there for me. There isn’t a spot where I belong. How can I remedy this?  I often wonder to myself before my mind takes me to something different and I forget. My bedroom is cozy. I love to spend time in there. The window on the side has a really nice southern exposure with lots of light. But if I spend too much time in there I will become sad. I will feel bedridden and alone; left out of the activities of the kids and my husband. As if I’m hiding away, being a hermit. I feel there is no place for me. I wander from room to room like an old ghost. Soon, the holidays will take over. There will be no time left to think or worry about the thoughts in my head, which are actually just a burdensome luxury right now. When November hits, the routine of school stays the same, but there are more things that need to get done; school parties, work parties, finals, Christmas shopping, cooking and baking. There is no time to relish in my thoughts, only time to get things accomplished and fall into bed each night. Perhaps this is a better routine for me so that I can forget all about my inner ghosts.

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